A Calming Musical Interlude #3

I’ll write something original in this place one day soon, rather than allowing it to devolve into a destitute man’s version of YouTube…

Anyway, here’s another band that everyone should listen to.  If only because I say it should be so.

…And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead are excellent.  Saw them live at The Corner a few years back; a really good show, and the dual drummers playing that tour were perfectly synchronistic on every beat.  Haven’t seen better in that respect.

Mistakes & Regrets‘ – yep, I know about that stuff, like most of us…  This song usually makes me concurrently happy/sad.  Pathetic, really.

Crank it.  Enjoy.

Next post will be words from inside my head.  Slap me if it’s not.

Wick Burner

A Calming Musical Interlude #2

Wow, the internets of things tell me that I’ve been a very lazy web-logger.  Well, life is dark and full of demons; or whatever…

Anyway, here’s a fantastic video clip with fantastic music by a fantastic band that everyone should be forced to watch/listen to, if they so choose.

The Mars Volta.  What can I say?  Epic.  No better way to blow 10 minutes away that doesn’t involve removing your pants.

Crank it.  Enjoy.

Wick Burner

Going Dark – An Assassination Tale


Darkness Beckons

The time had come and then gone

His task complete, he lowered the weight of the rifle to the ground

Heart still racing, breathing shallow and rapid

He tried to slow it down, and sucked icy air deep into his lungs

It seemed the echo of the single shot he had fired was still rebounding

Off cold concrete and empty roads

Everything else was only silence

As if he was alone in an artificial city

Alone with his thumping heart

And the numbness shared by his fingers, his face, his ears

How much time would pass before they came for him

He could not know that they were nearly upon him

His gaze remained fixed on the downed target

The pink mist he had generated was now gone

And the pooling blood was now visible from his vantage point

People were running

This way and that

They looked confused

They looked lost

He was happy about that

Look what you made me do

Now you might know why

And you thought he would get away with it forever

That no-one would crack

That no-one would become proactive

That no-one would be pushed past their limit

The damage wrought by your actions

Was more than we should have tolerated

Your time was up

Your time was past and had passed

Before you even came to power

On the backs of lies and falsehoods

Now look at you

You’re dead


It was then that he felt the hot flood escape him

Breathing became impossible and he tasted warmth and copper

Turning his gaze downward he saw the rich red puddle growing beneath him

Swelling up and overflowing

Soaking into the earth between blades of grass

His neck felt like it was on fire

His head was boiling

His body felt like ice

He could no longer feel his arms or his legs

There was a dull thud as the rifle stock dropped to the ground

And tipped left into the thick concoction of blood and grass

Red and green

It made him think of Christmas

And then he made one last effort to see what he had done

The chaos before him

The target had been raised onto a trolley

An ambulance waiting

But no efforts to pump the life back in

The sheet draped over the full length

And then the darkness began to close in from all around

Yours in hastily-planned & executed actions of extreme civil disobedience, but only in fantastic ways,

Wick Burner

Wave Turbine Syndrome Scares Everyone

A Wave Power Machine

Photographic Evidence: A Wave Power Machine About To Devour A Scuba Diver

Opposition to new wave power technology planned for deployment on Australia’s south coast has raised its furrowed brow, after the announcement that the “scary machine” had been constructed and would be installed in coming months.

A grassroots group known as ‘SeaFloor Guardians’ was hastily registered for tax evasion purposes on Monday, funded by generous donations from a consortium of coal companies.  Group spokesperson, Dr. Lara Worry, said that there needed to be at least 50 years of research into the health impacts of wave energy before they could support the project.  “We just don’t know what these machines will do.  My car started vibrating when I read the news, and I’m sure that my afternoon nap was interrupted the moment they switched this thing on.” she said.

“And think of the fish, and the little penguins!” shrieked Dr. Worry.  “My associates in medical accounting tell me that these things are real seahorse-mincers as well.  I just can’t believe that technology like this would be entertained.  My neon tetras are quivering in their tank, and I live in the desert, a thousand kilometres from this horrendous device!  They must be stopped.”

She added, “Look, we’re not opposed to renewable energy, at all.  But we really need research into the vibratory vestibular disorders already being reported by Mexican walking fish in home aquariums all over this great brown coal land.  They are leaving their tanks in droves.  Communities of salamanders are being torn asunder!”

Politicians on the conservative side of politics, currently bereft of power in the fiefdom where this machine will operate, drafted a raft of policies aimed at protecting scuba divers and cliff-top mansions from the as yet unknown effects of wave energy.

The policies included an arbitrary 21 nautical mile setback from non-mortgaged dwellings owned by Liberal Party donors, and an ‘aquatic invertebrate complaints management system’ to receive the expected influx of letters from fish and squid impacted by wave energy activities.

A Senate Committee has been established whose first order of business is to establish further revolving-door perpetual Senate Committees for at least three electoral cycles, to get to the bottom of the mounting evidence that wave energy is an evil plot by the UN to make everyone sick and hasten the demise of legitimate fossil fuel industries.

Senator Don Harrigan, appearing against his better judgement on a lefty media platform said, “Submarine electricity machines are … the space stations of the sea, and space stations should be happening in space.  I for one don’t want to have space station infra-water rippling around my ankles when I’m paddling at the beach.”

The Prime Moron of Australia could not be reached for comment, but his office released a statement saying, “Mr. abbott finds all of these white elephant jalopies to be visually awful, and seals and turtles shouldn’t be made to suffer because of the follies of science.”

Wick Burner



You Should Relax, You Look Tired

Landing succeeded smoothly – always a great relief – and the beautiful semi-Polynesian hostesses had made the flight more than bearable.  Making my way through customs and quarantine was a breeze.  I was a low-risk Australian, apparently.

Once through the maze of partitions, I was met by the Doctor’s apprentice and escorted to a waiting car.

The drive avoided the metropolitan sprawl completely and we ascended from near sea-level farming land into wooded hinterland and then along winding mountain roads.  What could have been a very relaxing ride was actually more like a rally drive – being lurched around the cabin of the sedan, it’s harsh bulky plastic trimmings offering even less comfort upon impact than the sharp-edged seat belt.  We were in a hurry for some reason.

I stayed mostly silent, pretending a little to be somewhat jet-lagged, even though the flight was only about 4 hours duration – there were few questions and little conversation.  This despite the fact that I was a stranger who had just arrived from over the seas and was in New Zealand for the first time, in an Australian car, with an American driver, and another American in the back seat.  I never figured Americans driving a Holden Commodore could be so un-talkative…

I guessed that they were sizing me up, assessing my character.  I was about to meet the Doctor, after all.  And they were protective, I guess.  Like protects like, and all that.

I noticed the forest was getting closer to the road, and the hairpin turns becoming more frequent as we continued our assent.  Unfamiliar vegetation, and a surprising abundance of understorey ferns and general green lushness.  And wetness.  Everything was wet.  Dripping.

My observations of the natural world were halted as we braked hard and dived off the bitumen onto an unsealed lane.  More like a tunnel through dripping rainforest than anything else.  I couldn’t see anything past the trees and ferns, which were now whipping the side windows of the car as we zipped upward.

I was just about to ask how long this lane continued, when up ahead there was a brightness.  An opening in the canopy that let the light in.  And then a house, big and white.  Imposing itself and seemingly winning the battle against the thick forest its builders had displaced.  A hand darted across in front of me and popped open the glove compartment, fumbling around looking for the garage door remote.  The door lifted slowly and we crept into the dark confines of 2-car garage that was mostly filled with piles of cardboard boxes.

A door from the garage led us up some stairs, carpeted in well-worn burgundy.  My bags were placed carefully by an arch, and I was ushered through past a kitchen area and into a large living/dining room.

As I waited to be welcomed into the space further, a large figure rose up from the head chair of the dining table.  It was the Doctor.

“Hello, and welcome.  Would you like something?  Some Lambrusco?  You look tired.  Perhaps a joint?”

Yours in a fictional kind of way,

Wick Burner

Redneck Holy Grail

a mouse with a human ear

Stupid People Do Not Need Extra Ears

Geneticists have declared Australia is the ‘Holy Grail’ for selective genetic technology that might actually prove useful, in a report issued by the illustrious, but otherwise useless, medical journal Genetics ‘r Us.

Struggling for many years to find an application for genetic technology that serves more purpose than growing a human ear on the back of a mouse, or pumping out clones of a stupid sheep, the international geneticist fraternity/sorority has decided to apply their splicing skills to locating and removing the gene that makes many people stupid.

In pursuit of this lofty aim, geneticists have decided to focus their research on the white Australian male subspecies, where there is an apparently internationally-embarrassing oversupply of the stupidity gene.

“We found that in Australia, you only need to grab the nearest guy and there’s a 90% chance that you’ve bagged yourself a stupid redneck idiot.”, Professor Brains O’Gravy said, in the Genetics ‘r Us report.

Based on this abundance of stupid, the projected low costs for the research program are very attractive for overseas scientist-types seeking to eliminate stupid from the human genome.

O’Gravy went on to explain that recent political and social examples of stupid in Australia were compelling encouragement to pursue the urgent elimination of stupid from humanity “within three generations, or we’re all fucked.  We could actually do something important and worthwhile here.  Maybe even save humanity from itself.”

Yours, saturated with genetic material,

Wick Burner