Tony and The Greyhounds Save Australia

greyhound live baiting

In Every Tribulation There Is Hope

In yet another leak from the ranks of the ailing government, it was revealed that a weekend brain-storming session was convened in the Prime Moron’s Office (PMO), and that a unanimous decision was made to use asylum seekers from offshore detention centres as live bait to draw terrorists from their suburban spider-holes.

In light of recent revelations about the continued use of live baiting for the ‘blooding’ of racing dogs all around Australia, an idea was formed in the bright minds running the PMO.

Convening a secret meeting on Sunday morning, the PMO facilitated a brain-storming session to capitalise on the attention-grabbing power of rampant animal cruelty.  The session was furnished with all the requisite tools, including butcher’s paper, magic markers, and a copy of SWOT Analysis For Dummies.

With professional advice from the former Immigration Minister, Scott Moronson, a way to rid Australia of its problem with non-white asylum seekers was discussed at some length.  Initially, the horrendous prospect of feeding refugees to hungry greyhounds was applauded by the entire Cabinet, but was quickly dismissed when advisers reminded those present of the “power of electronic graffiti”.

It was at this point, just after a serving of chocolate-chip muffins and a rub-down from his closest aides, that tony abbott struck upon an idea.  With his ground-breaking address to the nation on the issue of terrorism only hours away, abbott saw a way to use one national tragedy to eliminate another national tragedy while exposing and terminating another national tragedy.

abbott’s concept, according to unnamed sources inside the Cabinet, was to use live asylum seekers as bait for latent Australia-hating lone wolf death cult terrorist types.  The concept involved transporting imprisoned asylum seekers from Christmas Island, Manus Island and Nauru, to greyhound training tracks across the breadth of the continent, disguising them as Westerners, and strapping them to moving lures in order to force dormant 1-man terror cells to expose themselves in their haste to behead the whizzing, flapping, helpless, infidels.

The concept of killing three birds with one suite of policies, and the creation of an entirely new industry built on the backs of low-paid workers, was warmly received by all present.

Reminded again of the social media backlash that might ensue if the policy was realised, abbott simply licked his lips, winked at the closest pair of breasts in the room, and called an end to the meeting.

The entire plan was scuttled later in the day when health and safety professionals deemed the idea of would-be terrorists chasing moving targets while holding knives or machetes too risky.

Your correspondent in Canberra,

Wick Burner

Conversation with big pharma on cannabis

Wick Burner:

This is a brilliant post, and highlights the greed and short-sightedness of the pharma’s and the pro-prohibition crowd.

Reblogged, with thanks, from Prague Pot.

Originally posted on Prague pot:

Cannabis is one of the most dangerous substances known to man. It is literally worth locking you in a cage with murderers and rapists just to protect you from this plant.

Praguepot(PP): Sorry big pharma did you say something?

Big pharma(BP): Don’t mind me, I am just mumbling to myself as I lovingly look over my profit and loss statements for 2014.

Praguepot(PP): Good year for you?

Big pharma(BP): In the drug business, it is always a good year! We have the perfect scam going, we give you medicine and then we give you more medicine for the side effects. Each time you pop a pill your system gets weakened.

Praguepot(PP): So you guys don’t really care about helping people?

Big pharma(BP): That is not true. I love helping myself and my fellow big pharmaceutical company executives make a personal fortune.

PP:…

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We Will Tsunami You

abbott Tsunami

And Lo, The Wrath of Baby Jesus Poured Forth From His Divine Mouth

Australia is to develop a fleet of tsunami generators to wreak revenge on foreign powers who ignore this great nation’s pleas for clemency, PM abbott said on Sunday.

He reminded Indonesia that Australia was “exceedingly generous and, aah, helpful” in the aftermath of the 2004 Boxing Day Tsunami.  He further stated that if planned executions went ahead, Australia would “certainly find ways to make our displeasure felt.”*  When questioned on what those ways might be, abbott responded, with a sparkle in his eye, “those little buggers better know how to swim.  If they haven’t learnt from, aah, observing my stroke, well, aah, they’ll feel that, aah, you bet you are, you bet I am.”

“I have instructed the Defence Minister, the Competitively Evaluated Kevin André, to acquire a fleet of tsunami-guns.”

This announcement was made as abbott grew increasingly and visibly frustrated at the prospect of not being listened to.

“It is, aah, and let me make this perfectly clear, aah… can someone get me some, aah, water?”, he said.  abbott further stated that, “Well, see, aah, it’s perfectly OK for them to get their, aah, let me be clear, their sarongs in a twist when, aah, when they want something.  These people have to know that, aah, Australia will not sit idly by while everyone in The Hague is looking at us and, aah, accusing us of double standards.”

In a statement issued minutes later, it was revealed that the Defence Minister had contracted a Japanese firm to construct the first tsunami generator off the coast of Western Australia.

“Japan is perfectly positioned, in terms of skill and honour, and a moral outlook that frowns on rampant immorality, to manufacture these diplomatic devices.  And we have completed the Competitive Evaluation Process, which I will not explain any further until all the details are finalised.”, Kevin Andrews said.

Experts in the field of geo-engineering have applauded the announcement and expressed confidence in Australia’s ability to generate and direct a tsunami at whoever pisses us off the most on any given day.  They also assure the public that nothing can possibly go wrong.

Yours,

Wick Burner

* – Actual Quote

HOW MANY ENEMIES?

Wick Burner:

No, ‘Shadow Strike’ is not just a game you can play on your phone or tablet, bombing Arabs from the safety of your sofa (gallons of fun!). It’s actually what goes down, almost daily, IRL.

Here’s a neat little explainer of the Enemy Creation Program from Tubularsock, reblogged with thanks:

Originally posted on Tubularsock:

Tube firy heading

Tubularsock was sitting in his top floor corner office in his underground bunker overlooking Washington, D.C. from Oakland, CA and pondering.

How is it that the United States can keep all the wars going on for years and years and just not run out of enemies. How can we be so good at this and can’t seem to fix our own streets, roads and bridges?

Is THIS what American Exceptionalism is all about? Being able to PREACH caring and peace by running undisciplined about the world kicking and screaming in reality about getting OUR own way? Disregarding ALL peoples in our way so we can get OURS even when what we want doesn’t belong to us.

So let Tubularsock define some terms to get things a bit more clear.

Now Tubularsock knows many of you know this already but as time passes we all forget some things because it just…

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Trust Us

A Pic of a HSBC Tower

It Was Them, Not Us

In a joint statement from members of the Global Alliance for Virtuous Banking (GAVBank), account holders everywhere are being assured that “banks are good”.  The statement was issued in response to recent revelations that HSBC had allegedly acted as the conduit for a paltry €180Bn of tax dodges, drug money, blood diamonds and bankrolling of terrorists.

The statement informs banking customers that:

There is no need for concern.  Your money is totally safe with us, and is in no way used to fund or support illegal or unsavoury activities anywhere.  That’s what Bitcoin is for.  You should really stay away from Bitcoin.

Further, we would like to remind our customers that banks are good.  This is a well-established fact.

It is unfortunate that one of our member banks, namely, allegedly, HSBC, has deviated from the core principles of banking in such a public manner.  They have made us all look a little bit bad, and this is regrettable.

Rest assured, they will be punished with a relatively minuscule fine and suspension of biscuit privileges at the next board meeting.

Further, bank customers are being advised that, given the present economic environment, they should keep all of their cash in their bank accounts at all times, and withdraw only what is necessary for the next half-hour, just in case the financial system collapses without warning and leaves the banks looking “foolish and empty”.

Yours,

Wick Burner

The Corporate Unconscious

Wick Burner:

A thought-provoking piece about the state of corporate ideology, business, economics, environment, and the future of everyone.  It’s a lot of words, so grab a beverage and get comfortable!  Reblogged from my friend The Reverend Andrew Mount, with thanks:

Originally posted on Rev. Andrew Mount:

“No matter how large the corporation you are working for, it is always too small for even one human soul.” — David Whyte

For the purposes of this paper, we assert the view that a corporation exists as an institutional reflection of the human ego. Like the ego, the corporation is fundamentally a fiction. For, the corporation has no true identity separate from the world in which it resides and the souls that give it life.

The corporation is seen to posses an ‘unconscious’, much as does the collective psyche of humanity. It is specifically this aspect of the corporate psychology we shall strive to illuminate.

The way a corporation functions is as if its survival is dependent upon the total conformance of its elements (employees) with the universal corporate mandate: pursuit of profit. This self-serving approach to corporate growth is often at odds with the evolutionary needs of the…

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