PREAMBLE: This is meaningless. Hit your Back button now to avoid.
So, I’ve been doing this web-log thing on WordPress for a little while (just under 2 years, in fact), and a cursory bit of analysis reveals where I’m failing in my pursuit of global domination. There are whole chunks of the world where I have no reach. I mean, check out all the white-space on that map above… (please ignore the oceans, which are also white – they don’t count.) Why has no-one from Greenland visited my blog? Why no Mongolian, Kazakhstani, or Congolese visitors?
I have some work to do. Here’s my partial list of actual things that I could do in order to expand my reach (apart from the obvious one, which is: become a better writer):
- Break through the firewall of the Chinese Central Party Committee by learning Mandarin and becoming a hacker, then write some posts about organ-harvesting, Tibet, or Clive Palmer
- Learn all of the sub-Saharan, central-African, and northern-African languages, and write some posts about Ebola or blood-diamonds or how The Ark of the Covenant is buried under a hut in Ethiopia
- Do more posts about cocaine, and mention Bolivia, Peru and Colombia in glowing terms
- Say nice things about Afghanistan, Azerbaijan, Belarus, Georgia, Kyrgyzstan, Mongolia, Myanmar, Tajikstan, Turkmenistan, and Uzbekistan
- Say horrible things about the Ayatollah and publish cartoonish images of Mohammed (who just so happens to be the greatest chef and cocktail-mixer that I have ever met, and he loves MDMA) in order to expand my reach into Iran
- Write anti-Sacha Baron Cohen posts to crack the Kazakhstan web audience
On the flip-side, most of the anglophone nations are on-board regularly, which is nice. (All I have to do is occasionally mention ‘maple syrup’ and the Canadian hits pile up like detritus from a beaver-dam…)
And a big shout-out to my non-anglophone readers who agree with my ethos that Shit has Got To Stop in Argentina, Brazil, Chile, Croatia, Egypt, France, FYR Macedonia, Germany, Greece, India, Indonesia, Iraq, Italy, Japan, Kuwait, Magyar, Malaysia, Mexico, Namibia, Nepal, Netherlands, Oman, Pakistan, Romania, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Slovenia, South Africa, Sri Lanka, Turkey, Vietnam, and Venezuela – thanks for visiting me.