In a joint statement from members of the Global Alliance for Virtuous Banking (GAVBank), account holders everywhere are being assured that “banks are good”. The statement was issued in response to recent revelations that HSBC had allegedly acted as the conduit for a paltry €180Bn of tax dodges, drug money, blood diamonds and bankrolling of terrorists.
The statement informs banking customers that:
There is no need for concern. Your money is totally safe with us, and is in no way used to fund or support illegal or unsavoury activities anywhere. That’s what Bitcoin is for. You should really stay away from Bitcoin.
Further, we would like to remind our customers that banks are good. This is a well-established fact.
It is unfortunate that one of our member banks, namely, allegedly, HSBC, has deviated from the core principles of banking in such a public manner. They have made us all look a little bit bad, and this is regrettable.
Rest assured, they will be punished with a relatively minuscule fine and suspension of biscuit privileges at the next board meeting.
Further, bank customers are being advised that, given the present economic environment, they should keep all of their cash in their bank accounts at all times, and withdraw only what is necessary for the next half-hour, just in case the financial system collapses without warning and leaves the banks looking “foolish and empty”.