We Will Tsunami You

abbott Tsunami
And Lo, The Wrath of Baby Jesus Poured Forth From His Divine Mouth

Australia is to develop a fleet of tsunami generators to wreak revenge on foreign powers who ignore this great nation’s pleas for clemency, PM abbott said on Sunday.

He reminded Indonesia that Australia was “exceedingly generous and, aah, helpful” in the aftermath of the 2004 Boxing Day Tsunami.  He further stated that if planned executions went ahead, Australia would “certainly find ways to make our displeasure felt.”*  When questioned on what those ways might be, abbott responded, with a sparkle in his eye, “those little buggers better know how to swim.  If they haven’t learnt from, aah, observing my stroke, well, aah, they’ll feel that, aah, you bet you are, you bet I am.”

“I have instructed the Defence Minister, the Competitively Evaluated Kevin André, to acquire a fleet of tsunami-guns.”

This announcement was made as abbott grew increasingly and visibly frustrated at the prospect of not being listened to.

“It is, aah, and let me make this perfectly clear, aah… can someone get me some, aah, water?”, he said.  abbott further stated that, “Well, see, aah, it’s perfectly OK for them to get their, aah, let me be clear, their sarongs in a twist when, aah, when they want something.  These people have to know that, aah, Australia will not sit idly by while everyone in The Hague is looking at us and, aah, accusing us of double standards.”

In a statement issued minutes later, it was revealed that the Defence Minister had contracted a Japanese firm to construct the first tsunami generator off the coast of Western Australia.

“Japan is perfectly positioned, in terms of skill and honour, and a moral outlook that frowns on rampant immorality, to manufacture these diplomatic devices.  And we have completed the Competitive Evaluation Process, which I will not explain any further until all the details are finalised.”, Kevin Andrews said.

Experts in the field of geo-engineering have applauded the announcement and expressed confidence in Australia’s ability to generate and direct a tsunami at whoever pisses us off the most on any given day.  They also assure the public that nothing can possibly go wrong.

Yours,

Wick Burner

* – Actual Quote

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6 thoughts on “We Will Tsunami You

    1. Cheers Donzo!

      Indeed they did. Smuggling heroin out of Indonesia using a cluster of mules and $1,000 worth of gaffer tape. The two guys facing the guns were the ‘ringleaders’.

      The sting in this case is the Australian Federal Police involvement. They were monitoring the smuggling operation, and, instead of arresting the guys here in Australia, they let them fly to Bali, then informed the Indonesian police, in the full knowledge that the usual punishment is death for most drug crimes there. So, they had a chance to make a big bust, get some good headlines, kill a smuggling syndicate, and save some lives – all at the same time. Without even trying too hard.

      So there is some flack likely out of this, if there’s ever a proper inquest. Very hypocritical of us, as a country, to oppose the death penalty but then effectively sell these guys to the rifle squad. It’s telling that even politico’s who would normally say “let ’em get what they deserve” are coming out and asking for clemency. I think because they know that if the executions go ahead, then the questions will get louder about AFP practices.

      Like

      1. That’s what I figured. I’ve been following this case since it first broke. I have zero tolerance for the purveyors of heroin death. Shoot the fucking dogs where they stand. But I did find it curious that ‘shirt-front Tony’ would be making threats and demands at this late date.
        Isn’t Australia blasting jihadis in the Syraq?

        Liked by 1 person

    1. One of the more intriguing comments ever received here. Thank you.

      Unless, of course, you mean ‘become me’ in the manner of a body-snatcher or vengeful malignant doppelgänger of some sort. In that case I wouldn’t be at all grateful.

      Thanks for visiting!

      Like

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